Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The next person who asks if I'm pregnant will get punched in the face.


I know it's a slight over-reaction. Here's a piece of advice, although most of you reading this already know this. Don't ever ask someone if they are pregnant. EVER. If you have to ask, just keep it to yourself. The only exception to this rule is if you are the kind of friend that she talks to about her sexual escapades and her birth control use/mishaps with, then you can ask. You will also probably know when not to ask because she's complaining about all the other dillholes that have been asking and making her feel fat. Otherwise this is a no-win situation which may earn you a punch in the face if she's been asked one too many times.

If you are correct in thinking she's pregnant, and she hasn't told you directly, then it isn't any of your business you're not that close of a friend so you shouldn't be asking. If you want to be that close of a friend, you could always wait until you see her with an infant nine months later and say "Holy crap, I didn't even know you were pregnant!" New BFF for life.

If you are incorrect in thinking she's pregnant, then by asking you have now made her think two things. Number one, you are a huge asshole. Number two, she is a huge fat chunkster that needs to lay off the cupcakes and ice cream. Fail on both counts.

Over the past three months, I have been asked several times if I was pregnant. At first it was a little funny. Yes, I know I've gained the newlywed fifteen. Or maybe because I'm a newlywed in my early thirties, you think I need to procreate immediately. Yes, haha. The next couple of times, it became a little embarrassing. OK, everyone seems to notice my love pudge and that my pants don't fit anymore. Today and yesterday I got asked by co-workers if I was pregnant. No, just fat. Thanks, i'll be starting that diet now.

Why do people do this and how do I stop it?


  1. I seriously wish there was a like button for this post. Or a LOVE button. I've been asked too. It totally pissed me off.

  2. @Layla - I am not a violent person, and my co-workers are normally nice people with manners. But next time I get asked, I might just explode in tears and shout "WHY, DO I LOOK PREGNANT?"

  3. Hello from WB!

    I totally understand the pain, and I must say, I never ask anyone if they're pregnant.
    Instead, I ask mutual friends, and then I save myself the awkward moments.

    Actually, once at work there was a girl and I thought she was pregnant, and then I quit, and visited 4 months later, expecting her to have had her baby. Turns out she wasn't going to have a baby. Oops.